It's My Ambition to Have Ambition

If I may, allow me to wallow in befouled puddles of self-pity for a moment.

My wife and I had one of those “what are you going to do with your life” conversations over the holidaze. While I fought my natural instinct to change the subject (and I’m mighty damn good at that, mind you), I confessed that I really didn’t have any career goals or dreams. I’m the marketing manager for the planned giving office at a non profit, and have done proposal writing for their major gifts department. But I’m really not going anywhere. Just treading water.

My wife challenged me to state my dream job…and I couldn’t come up with one(!). She was bug-eyed with disbelief, I tell you, and I was feeling nothing but shame, like I had somehow emasculated myself (what real man doesn’t have his eye on the prize?). And for any semi-ideal jobs that I might toy around with in my head, I can spout out a dozen reasons (fears) why I’d fail at each endeavor.

I’m also heartbroken over the best job I ever had (my wife J says, “get over it!”) that went so sour at the end (director of marketing at a now-defunct indie record label). Even though that was five years ago, time hasn’t healed me yet. J wants me to find the passion for work that I once had (see social work and music below), instead of settling for clockwatcher that I’ve become.

After college, I fell into social work (helping people with mental illness who had been homeless), then did the incredible music industry gig, followed by some advertising production work at a magazine (and a digital-download internet label that I started up on the side that went bust after two years), and a string of marketing and development jobs at some non profits. Instead of climbing up the ladder all these years, I’ve been hanging from the rungs, swinging across the monkey bars, lunging at the opportunities that crop up in front of me.

You know the cubicle adage that you should dress for the job you want? I have no idea what to wear…